thought bubbles ⋆°·☁︎
just thoughts honestly
been going through conflict recently and whilst i’m not bad at navigating it, i do sometimes feel like i’m being a horrible person sometimes, especially when I want to protect myself and my mental health. I know growth and deepened relationships comes from discomfort and difficult conversations but what if this conversation is just not the one to do that? What if it’s what shows us that fundamentally, it’s time for a separation. It can get so freaking confusing when you’re seeing such opposing views about how being too individualistic is selfish and not going to build community but also how you need to take care of yourself and the people around you will help.
Maybe I’m struggling because I am very community driven and I believe in helping others and being there for people but now I have to take care of myself and that’s where the point of contention comes, because now I’m not serving the community I was in a way that they preferred. And now I want to leave it, but does that make me a bad person? Did I not try hard enough?
But I did the best I could, I tried. I was still hearing and trying to be there for them but I also needed to step back for my sanity. I wanted understanding, consolation, affirmation that this is okay, it won’t change anything, i’m not being selfish. But that’s not how it left me feeling.
It feels like I’m a bad person. For choosing to take some time away; like I’m avoiding conflict but I’m not. I just have said I need to take the time away. I won’t shy away from when a conflict arises but at the same time, is a conflict only a one way fix? Is it all on me to fix everything, and hold the things and emotions that aren’t even my fault?
My mind is torn in two because my people-pleasing nature wants to just take everything as my fault, apologise and beg and plead to keep the peace but that’s not fair to me now and i’m also not sure I want to go back. Am I a bad person for feeling like that?
My mind is torn and I’m not sure how it will mend, but as someone who used to self-sacrifice for others, perhaps this is a step in the right direction.
I’m not sure. I can only hope.
My support system has changed dramatically recently and has got me to pondering the similarities between standing up for oneself and selfishness and I’m being kinder to myself in affirming the fact that I am not a bad person for what has transpired with old friends; I am just a person. One who tried her best and that’s all it is.
xx